


Then, when I’ve lost all hope, Kiss me again

by Luna_reclipse



Series: A world where you are mine [4]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Infidelity, M/M, Self-Destruction, Slight Angst?, depends on how much you're already hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 14:36:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/888409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_reclipse/pseuds/Luna_reclipse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki and Thor are in love, but it hurts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then, when I’ve lost all hope, Kiss me again

**Author's Note:**

> Pieces from Gwyneth Lewis' Fooled Me for Years with the Wrong Pronouns

_You made me cry in cruel stations,_   
_So I missed many trains._

 

He doesn’t know why he does it; it must be from the terrible aching in his chest. Or it must be from the burning in his eyes. Or—

 

It doesn’t matter. It won’t matter to Thor what his reasons were—are.

 

He can’t help himself when he gives into the kiss, when he kisses back.

 

 

_You married others_   
_In plausible buildings._

 

Balder smiles like Loki is the sun, like he’s a flower paying homage, like Loki himself isn’t just another fellow plant, their feet firmly planted in dirt. They must be starfish flowers, pretty on the outside and vomit-inducing close-up.

 

They met for the first time when Thor took Loki home to meet his family. Balder stood with his back straight and his face closed and his head high, until he caught sight of Thor, then he was all beaming smiles and open warmth. Balder and Thor embraced with large gestures and loud shouts. In the lobby they greeted Odin and Frigga. All the attention was focused on Thor. There were brilliant watery smiles that made Loki wonder about how long it had been since Thor had gone home.

 

No one should have noticed when Balder stepped back to check his phone, but Loki had always been observant, and in this instance, left out. It was only there briefly, and then the charming smile was back, but Loki had seen it, that blank look.

 

Balder turned to smile politely at Loki and they knew it at once, here was another mangled spirit pretending to deserve love.

 

Thor’s left hand was pressed lightly to the small of Loki’s back, warm. Always so warm, so kind, so strong. In Thor’s presence Loki always felt loved, protected, cherished—small. When Thor threw his arm over Balder’s shoulder, Balder’s smile grew tentative and Loki’s grew warm. 

 

 

_You promised me nothing_   
_But blamed me for doubting when who wouldn’t._

 

The night before they were wed, Loki felt like he would die from love. Loki had wanted to marry by the seaside so there they were, at a resort by the sea. He had wanted to walk barefoot in the sand so just past where high tide would reach, Thor had made dinner and set up a table and lit candles and sung to him by moonlight when the candles died. After, Thor walked Loki back to his room and washed his feet with warm water, knelt by the bedside and kissed each of Loki’s fingers. Loki closed his eyes for a kiss to his lips, but Thor just sweetly smiled and bid him goodnight and went back to his room.

 

And Loki went to Balder’s.

 

 

_In dreams I’m wild with guilt. Have pity_   
_Kill it._

 

He worked in a small coffee shop where the owners felt like his sisters. He shared an apartment with his friends, it was small and crowded and homely. Thor walked into his life on a perfectly normal day. He ordered pomegranate tea and sat by the window.

 

Working at the coffee shop had Loki seeing a lot of new people everyday and some of them were prettier than others, but Thor was gorgeous. From the moment he saw the bright blue of Thor’s irises, Loki couldn’t stop following him with his eyes. It was fortunate and surprising that Thor left later that morning without noticing his admirer.

 

Thor came everyday after that and ordered the same thing. And Loki made a fool of himself daily. More so on days where there weren’t many customers and Loki took to wiping down tables near Thor and trying to drop things close to his table to look up at Thor as he retrieved them. After a few of friends pointed out to him that what he was doing was obvious and slightly embarrassing, he resolved to stop.

 

He was startled when on the next Thursday, after Thor ordered his tea, he asked if Loki wanted to grab a cup of coffee with him after his shift. Loki opened his mouth agree, but Thor smiled and it was like looking at the sun so instead, he sneezes. Somehow Thor understands and chuckles and hands Loki his number, asks him to text when he’s done.

 

Thor takes him out and treats him like porcelain, treats him like diamonds, treats him like something to be worshiped. He asks Loki about he likes and never forgets it. Loki finds presents waiting for him like coming home after a long day. And Loki falls, falls like rain and sinks into the ground, sinks with the rest of the water droplets and is absorbed.

 

Now, when Loki drinks tea, he drinks pomegranate. So he never forgets. So it hurts more.

 

 

_If  I knew how to please you — who have found_   
_Out my faults._

Thor looks at him with such tenderness it takes his breath away. Treats him with such care and love it—.

Thor comes home as early as he can, he’s never late. Loki knows this because Thor is always, at the latest, home five minutes after company closing time. Thor comes home early and prepares dinner even though Loki doesn’t work, even though they have help at the house. Loki, when he stays home some days, has nothing to do but sit on his butt.

 

When Thor comes home and he gently kisses Loki. At dinner he asks Loki about his day and listens and comments no matter how mundane the day was. Loki once looked up 37 different ways of saying the color red just to see if Thor would let him finish. Thor listened to every word and tried to say all of them at least five times. Loki couldn’t remember all of the words so he made some up and still Thor was attentive. After dinner they would go upstairs and make love. On days Loki had seen Balder, he would turn the lights off and take the initiative.

 

Every two weeks Thor would take them out of town somewhere new and they would spend the entire time in each other’s arms. When things at work were too hectic for them to go away, Thor would make it up to him with some wildly sweet gift, like a puppy or a share of the coffee shop, or a small party with all their friends.

 

Thor skips work now and then to take him to lunch or a picnic. Nowadays Thor always calls just a little bit before to let Loki know. Since he had come home once and Loki wasn’t there. He was with Balder all day and when he came home to see Thor had been home all day as well, waiting for him, he’d panicked and yelled about how he didn’t like surprises and how dare Thor think he’d always just be at home waiting.

Even then Loki knows that Thor is the one who feels guilty despite having done nothing wrong besides love— 

In his guilt he didn’t even ask Loki about why he didn’t answer his cell phone or why he smelt like strawberries, even though it is impossible that Thor didn’t notice. Later at dinner that night, Thor asked Loki about how his day was and Loki told him he saw a movie and walked around the park by himself. Before bed, Thor kisses him goodnight and doesn’t touch him, which angers Loki to no end and he climbs on top of Thor and kisses him hard. Loki rides Thor relentlessly that night and marks him up so that tomorrow Thor will need to wear something with a really high collar.  

 

 

 

  _vi._

_My husband already knows_   
_Exactly what owns me._

One Thursday Loki comes home very late, way past the time Thor should have gone to bed. But Thor is still waiting for him on the sofa. When he walks in, Thor stands up to greet him and asks him if he’s had dinner, if he’s tired, if he’s had a nice day. He gives one nod for all three and goes upstairs. Thor follows. In the bedroom, Thor shuts the door behind him and climbs into bed while Loki undresses.

 

“I love you.” Thor says before pulling the covers up. Loki tenses and he can’t stand it, doesn’t understand it, so he asks, “why?”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Why do you love me?” Loki can’t bring himself to turn around, just waits for Thor to speak.

 

“I… when I first met you, you looked so” Thor pauses and it sounds as if he doesn’t know if the next thing out of his mouth will be acceptable or not. “You looked so beautiful and lonely, when you looked up at me, it felt like you thought I was the answer to everything.”

 

Loki flinches and remains silent.

 

“Your shoulders were drawn and your fingers were long and elegant, but they seemed to lightly tremble. And yet all of that was gone when you looked up at me and your eyes widened and brightened, like I was someone you’d known long ago and were looking for ever since.” Thor’s voice still sounds so irresistible after all these years that Loki wants to cry.

 

“And then you stole my heart with all those silly antics of yours, it felt like you were besotted with me and we were in some silly rom-com. When I asked you out you didn’t answer, just sneezed.”

 

Loki can hear the chuckle in his voice.

 

“You have no idea how much I wanted to kiss you then. Then the more I saw you, the more I realized I couldn’t bear the moments I didn’t.”

 

It feels like Thor has waited years to be asked this question, like he has waited years to answer this exact question.

There are raindrops in Loki's eyes and he turns around and reaches out to shield Thor from the rain, but there is a purple mark on the inside of his wrist so he recoils and turns out the light instead. In the dark the raindrops fall on Thor’s face as Loki kisses him.

 

 

  _vii._

_I’d give anything for one more night —_   
_That I go without thought._

Loki knows there is something ugly in him, something that will never deserve Thor. But plants don’t ask if they deserve the sunlight; they just need it and take of it. They can’t  _not_.

 

While they were dating—while Loki was being courted, he spent so much time at Thor’s place, eventually Thor just asked him to move in. It was too quick, they’d only been seeing each other for a month, but Loki couldn’t tell him no, so he moved in. Loki didn’t bring much with him, since he hadn’t had much in the old apartment, most of the stuff belonged to his friends. He’d felt out of place with Thor’s things at first, but after Thor realized Loki wasn’t going to bring anything else, he took Loki out so they could pick out things for the two of them. Loki knew how to pick out expensive fashionable things; he just hadn’t had the chance before. He was comfortable though unused to their new life.

 

A few months after that, Thor told him that he had to go manage the branch in New York and he asked Loki to come with him. Loki thought about it for a bit, he would have to leave his job, find a new one. He would have to leave his life and his friends. But if he didn’t go, he wouldn’t have Thor and that seemed much worse, so he nodded and they went.

           

Life was different, he felt so lonely. He had nothing to do during the day. It turns out though, Balder lives in the same city and works in the same company, but with Thor there, Balder's schedule is much more lax.

 

They go out for coffee in a pink coffee shop and fuck in the alley.

 

Loki sometimes goes to the office to visit Thor, but Thor works hard so Balder pulls him into his office to try some new pastry he’d bought. Loki hadn’t meant to, the first time was a mistake and wasn’t suppose to happen again, but somehow he’d ended up bent over Balder’s desk with a laptop and a broken fountain pen on the floor. It looked so strange there, like some one had set it down and never realized what it was, the blue ink from the broken fountain pen looked like a misplaced waterfall. It was all very strange. He comes on some important looking file.  

 

Later he goes to Thor’s office to say bye, he doesn’t know how he has the nerve. But Thor isn’t there so it’s alright.

 

Loki tries his hand at some new dish as a surprise for Thor, but just ends up with a gash across his palm and Thor stays home for the week. He feels so guilty and loved. The entire next week Balder has off so he spends all day away and only comes home just before dinner.

 

 

 

Loki wants to give everything he has to Thor. He hasn’t refused Thor anything. But it never feels like enough, anytime he does something for Thor, it still feels so selfish. Loki’s happiness is so powerful, it’s painful.

 

Thor proposes in the pink coffee shop and Loki sneezes.

 

 

  _viii._

_Don’t bite. No,_   
_Mark me._

 

Thor asked Loki to fuck him once, and Loki couldn’t disagree, just nodded. They both wanted it so much, but in the end Loki couldn’t. It felt like if he did, he would take something from Thor he could never return. Take more than he could ever repay.

 

Balder had asked him and he had said no, but by the end of the visit that no seemed to have always been a yes.

 

Loki thinks—

 

Thor has kisses that heal just much as they hurt.

 

Balder has kisses that taste like water.

 

He thinks he’d rather burn.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Also, no beta, please forgive and point out mistakes. And as you may have noticed, this uses anachronism, if you would like to know the order, you can go to my tumblr. xluna-reclipse.tumblr.com


End file.
